#trainingformy40s

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Category: #theRuns

It’s time for an Execution

I just wrapped up today’s run for my #28daystohappiness challenge. I must confess, I didn’t want to run. Not because I had anything better to do, I just didn’t want to do this. While there could be multiple reasons for not wanting to go run, if I’m honest the real reason is because I tend to be a quitter. I tend to lean towards not doing things I don’t feel like doing.

In January of 2014, I ran a marathon. Yeah, sure I ran 26.2 miles… but I’m dissatisfied by the outcome of that race. Add to that dissatisfaction, in the ensuing years I’ve attempted to train for others only to quit a few weeks into the training. I just stopped. My heart wasn’t in it, whatever.

The point is, I quit. I stopped. I have some significantly strong feeling about my performance in that marathon (to be honest, the whole thing feels like a failure) and I can’t find the motivation to overcome what is a black mark I’m an otherwise satisfying history of running.

Which leads me back to walking out the door to go for a run tonight. I was very close to quitting. To giving in and being typical Eli who makes big plans and promises and then walks away from them the first time he doesn’t feel like it. But this can ncept is bigger than my desire to run or not.

I look into the mirror everyday and I see a sarcastic, cantankerous, mean, rude, disrespectful, dismissive, haughty, condescending human. I see someone who is angry often, for no reason in particular. I see someone who doesn’t find joy or happiness except when they are making those around them miserable.

Running everyday is about that guy. It’s about that asshole. Quite literally, it’s about killing him. It’s about finding the joy and happiness I so long ago surrendered to anger and discontentedness. It’s about recapturing what once was and what can be again.

So you see, not only am I finding happiness in 28 Days I’m also finding an execution. I putting death someone who should have died years ago. I putting death someone who has caused me much hurt and difficulty. I’m putting to death the traitor who has supplanted me and all but taken over my life.

I want him dead. So I run…

28 Days to Happiness

Last week Ronda challenged me to think of an activity, act, or something I could do everyday for the next month to increase my level of happiness. (Apparently, I don’t portray an overly happy person.) I immediately told her I knew what I was going to do – complain about everything, daily.

She politely informed me I was missing the point.

It caused me to think about what brings me joy, happiness. My next thought was writing. I don’t we’re much anymore. Years ago, it was catharthis and helped me through a dark time. Those words were compelling. That connected with people at their core. I haven’t found the words to connect with people in the same way. Ronda encouraged me that I do have the words, I just need to find them. Starting my career over at 39, hitting 40 and struggling with that, being a dad of 3 boys, and the constant inner dialogue of realization I don’t really measure up to anyone’s standards.

The next thing I thought of was running. I love running. Or, at least I did until I ran a marathon a few years ago. There’s an ache in my heart for running. I want to recover that.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m committing (to myself more than anyone else) to run everyday in February and to write some words daily. Day 1 was a lackluster start. I ran 0.6 miles thanks to a needy 7 year old. I wrote… just wrote some family assessments for work and not anything personal. Today is Day 2 and it is off to a much better start. I’m writing this 1.74 miles into today’s run.

Follow me writing here and sharing on instagram here.

As I prepare to embark on this journey, I recall the whispered words in Celldweller’s song Fadeaway – ‘don’t beat on me, I’m nothing’. I fear I will let us all down (well really only me, because your expectations were much lower than mine).

Here’s to victory or failure, which road I may be on.

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