Everyday is a chance to train yourself for something. I’m #trainingformy40s, what are you training for?

Category: Foster Care

The Ordeal

strategic therapyOne of my favorite classes in my counseling program was the Brief Strategic Therapy class I took while we lived in Jacksonville. One of the things which made this class so enjoyable for me was the professor. Had I not taken the class at a Jacksonville campus, it would not hold such a high place in my heart. The professor was a straightforward, no BS, cuss like a sailor professor who told you how it was. On the first day of class, she shattered the strongly-held precept of mental health counseling – the client must have insight into the struggle before real, lasting change can be made. The first day of class she comes in and tells us we don’t care if the client understand the why or gains any kind of insight at all… all we want is for their behaviors to change. We don’t care if they understand why they act the way they do or if they understand why they need to change or why the changes work. All we want is for the client to change.

This literally, was a slap in the face to everything I had learned in my program prior to this and it was exactly what I had been screaming in my head as I sat in class. What I didn’t understand at the time, is that you want change first to allow time for the understanding to come. In a brief, strategic scenario you are time-limited and need to change to occur quickly allowing the client time to reflect later. This approach was refreshing and laid some solid groundwork for me as I began to formulate and design my own approach to counseling. Since then, I have become more convinced that real, long, and enduring change can only come when you take time to reflect and understand what the root cause of your anguish is. Having said that, there is also a time and a place for a brief, strategic approach which doesn’t waste precious time assisting the client in gaining insight, but rather forces a quick, necessary change immediately.

This morning, I arrived to work and found one of the youth in our Residential Group Care (RGC) home refusing to go to school. I walked into his room, woke him up and said, “You have two options – 1. Come sit at the conference room table in my office and let me get all the tasks on my list for today done that require me to sit in front of a computer. For this to happen, you don’t have to tell me anything… I don’t care what’s going on, I don’t care why you don’t want to go to school, I will leave you alone to sit at the table and do nothing all day long. 2. Come with me to run some errands, a different set of tasks on list for today. For this to happen, you have to give me something… you have to help me understand what is going on inside your head and heart which explains why you don’t want to go to school. Help me to understand there is something churning inside you and that you just aren’t choosing to be a turd this morning.” He replies, “I’d rather go to school!” And I say, “And there is option 3, get up and get dressed so I can take you to school.” He got up, got dressed and I took him to school.

This is a Directive technique called the Ordeal. The rationale here is to give the client something to do which is harder to fulfill than following through with the symptom you wish to alleviate. I wanted him to go to school, so I gave him options that were less desirable to him (i.e. harder) than going to school. Additionally, I utilized several Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) techniques in the process. First, I empowered him to have a choice… have a voice in the process. He was given the freedom to choose any of the options and I would have been ok with whatever he chose. This also employs the compromise technique. He doesn’t get what he wants, but he can choose from two alternatives and we roll with what he chose. It was a win-win for everyone this morning. He was empowered to choose and we did what he chose and I got him to go to school and didn’t have to have shadow all day long because he refused to attend school.

When working with the youth in our RGC, it isn’t always this easy. There are times when it goes much less smoothly. However, the key ingredient in each interaction which continues to prove successful is authentic engagement. Many times, the youth we work with haven’t been given a choice, they are shown respect, they are lead to believe their voice doesn’t matter and that no one cares for them. But we do. I do. By authentically engaging in the life of this youth, we establish a relationship where we can accomplish much simply because we take the time to engage in their lives in an authentic way which demonstrates that unlike so many others in their lives, we care about them and they matter to us.



I was beginning my journey through Bible college and into ministry in the mid to late nineties, which means the seeker-sensitive movement was really big in churches. I’ve never been much of a supporter of the seeker movement. Truthfully, I thought it really missed the mark.

On the tail end of the seeker movement, postmodernism swept in. It’s almost as though the seeker movement was the last ditch effort of modernity to keep a foothold…

I bought the postmodern mindset hook, line and sinker. I would like to think I was ahead of time in this… but unfortunately my journey kept me out of the limelight and off center stage of this discussion. Despite that, I have believed for years people desperately want to be connected. This is one of the things defining the postmodern mindset, the need to feel connected, to have relationships, to be in community, to be a part of something.

This is a universal truth about human beings. This is why I bought the postern thinking, it was one of the first church growth perspectives that took seriously the basic need of humans to connect with each other.

We all want to belong. We all want to be a part of something. We all crave a family, a place where we matter… a place where we mean something to someone. In Genesis God said ‘Let us make man in our image’ (emphasis added), indicating God himself has a communal dynamic to his personality. I would argue, this communal dynamic is the part of his image we are created in which causes us to crave interaction and community with others. So when I say it is a universal truth, I mean to say I believe it is hard-wired into every human being to connect with others.

A couple of weeks ago, I was reminded of this. I was at a meeting for child welfare workers and a new mentor program was being presented by the host of the meeting. In speaking about the mentoring program, she said, ‘the boys in foster care especially are looking for someone to hang out with them.’ I thought, she is dead on. They want someone to hang out wight hem, because this is what we all want at our deepest core of who we are as humans. We want to be connected.

When we are disconnected it feels wrong. It feels out of place.

Numerous musician-theologians over the years have keyed in on this fundamental design within us. We desperately desire to be connected. This is why we must take seriously verses like James 1:27

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

Orphans and widows have a difficult time being connected due to a loss of their primary method of connection – family. Jesus calls us to be family to those who don’t have family. It is our responsibility as Christ-followers to help those who are disconnected to connect. Of created us for connection, for community.

There is no greater act of love we can show those who are disconnected but to connect with them and become the family they are missing.  Without community we can’t survive. Literally, our physical and neurological bodies crave the stimulation that can only be had from others.

What are you doing to connect and create community with others?

© 2018 #trainingformy40s

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑