Eli, the Dichotomous Dragon

I was talking with Ronda the other day about something, I don’t even remember what, and she told me I was existing within a dichotomy. I laughed and told her that I posted something several years ago. I wrote this years ago when I was struggling to figure out what God was doing in my life and where he was leading me. I was struggling to get back into ministry and why it was taking so long to get back into ministry. Here is the vintage post re-telling where I was and the dichotomy that existed within me.

Last night Ronda asked me if I wanted to be in ministry.  The context of the discussion is bigger than that, but suffice it to say that was the question.  I responded that it didn’t matter what I wanted because God didn’t want me there, obviously.  She said it does.  Either God doesn’t care what I do for a paycheck or he wants me in a specific job.  You can’t have it both ways she says.  I realize that she brings a valid point to the table.  Why am I propagating the dichotomy?  Is is to make me feel better?  Is it to protect myself from not being to do what i really want?  Is it to make an easy way for me because I don’t want to step to the plate and choose the difficult road?  Or is it because God doesn’t want me in ministry and I have no idea what he wants out of me, so I make up some crap in order to feel better about myself?  Better about myself because I am ambling through life with no purpose and have no real feeling about why I exist and/or what I am supposed to do with my life.  Why do I labor so over these things?

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