I have always wanted to have guest bloggers be able to post up here, but have never taken the steps to make this happen. Until now. Ronda (my wife) is involved with the women’s ministry at H2O Church (they call it Radiant Girlz). Each month they have a different woman post a devotional blog. Ronda has gotten to do this 2x. She posted one for this month last week. She forwarded it to me so I could read it. Here, I am going to share it with you:
Ronda Westfall is a mother of 3 rambunctious boys and the caretaker to one mellow Weimaraner. She puts up with the world’s most difficult husband. She loves to play the piano and is one of the praise bands at church. She works as an attorney and hopes to one day be able to devote her attorney super powers to human right’s work.
I have been struggling a lot lately and writing this now brings me a lot of anxiety to allow all of you into my personal realm. I do not usually allow people to see me for who I really am and have become very good over the years of controlling my image so to speak. I guess I chose a very good career because being an attorney involves, in a way, a lot of image control.
As a result of a lot of stress, this past weekend I had a meltdown and ended up on my bed crying hysterically because of the amount of stress I feel (I have been crying a lot lately). My husband asked me to allow him to take care of me and I winced internally and wanted to run away from the conversation.
I do not enjoy nor do I allow others to care for me much at all. Even after 13 years of marriage I do not allow my husband to have that much influence into my emotional health. It makes me feel naked and very vulnerable which is not a feeling that I am accustomed to, nor do I enjoy. That evening I went for a run and was speaking to God and over some tears (yes while running) I knew that God was calling me to allow my husband to help carry my burdens. I argued with God about this and realized very clearly that my actions were driving my husband away and also were not allowing God to minister to me through my husband. So in reality I was telling God that He couldn’t be trusted to carry my burdens. I again winced at this internally because I realized that the reality is — I do not trust God to take care of me at all nor to lift me up. I do not believe that God wants to care for me. I am afraid to allow my husband to care for me. I am afraid to trust him and to submit to his leadership. I know that this is putting up a wedge in my marriage but more importantly it is putting a wedge between God and me.
And I don’t know how to change this. It is so innate in me and over the last few years has become ingrained into my very being. I Do Not Truly Trust God To Take Care Of Me.
I need prayer from everyone that I will lay this at the Cross and start the path of trusting God again. I need prayer that I will allow my husband to minister to me. I need prayer that I can give control to my Father and Savior.