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‪reck·less /rekləs/ adj. without thinking about the consequences. rash, heedless, impetuous, impulsive, daredevil, audacious, madcap‬

An Affair of Sorts… Vintage Post

As I was running last nite Stabbing Westward’s I Don’t Believe came on my iPod. As I listened to it I though about how the lyrics could be applied to my current/past situation. As many of you know I have been struggling with some health concerns. And as such, it has been a long journey over the last several years. The words to this song seemed to speak to the sort of affair that I had with my health concerns. It is very convicting thinking of how our lives can be so consumed with negativity and unhealthiness, yet at the same time we don’t even realize it. It must seep in slowly. Anyway, the lyrics are:

I’m such an pain
I’m such a stain
I just keep messing up again and again
You crawled inside my mind when you crawled into my bed
Said everything I’ve ever longed to hear
So perfect, so alive, once inside you sucked me dry
Used me up and left me here for dead
I crave it desperately, it’s a cancer eating me
An addiction too intense to be denied
Worthless, I’m a whore, crawling back for more
Pathetic how I feed off this abuse
You told me that you loved me
You swore that you loved me
And I believed, now I know it was a lie

[chorus]
I don’t believe
I don’t believe
That I could be so stupid and so naive
I don’t believe
I don’t believe
That there is nothing, nothing left for me

They really made me realize how much I craved and desired the illness and sickness. And it wasn’t until I was able to realize this need and not desire it anymore, but desire something better, something healthy that I began to get better. No matter how much I wanted to get better, until I craved it more than I craved the sickness, the sickness would always win. Another one of their songs also hit me, The Thing I Hate. As I thought of this song, I realized that I was becoming the thing I hated… the sickness. I was identifying myself as the sickness, and not someone who was fighting against the sickness. The lyrics to this song are strong, but this is what the sickness does to you, so it seems fitting to fight back the same way:

Lost in a world of doubt and insecurity
Nothing that you hold sacred, nothing you believe
Your life is a contradiction
While you thrive on manipulation
I fight to just hold on to what I believe
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become you

You’ve treated me like I’m a worthless piece of shit
You think you’re in control but you make me sick
I want to watch you suffer
The way that you’ve made me suffer
I want to mess up everything you’ve ever loved

I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become you
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become the thing I hate
I won’t become you

What the sickness loves is the destruction of my health. I’m not going to let it win.

I was also listening to Celldweller’s new stuff, namely So Long Sentiment. The words to it are:

Under this crushing wait
I’m sinking
It never goes away
The thinking
Echoes in empty rooms
Decaying
Alone to face the rest of me

So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
(Alone to face the rest of me)
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
(Alone to face the rest of me)

What the heck is wrong with me?
Why am I torturing myself?

Inhaling all these memories
Like a breath of fire sent from hell

Lead in my gut, not in my spine
I feel distracted all the time
Well lucky me I’m finally all alone
I’ll – miss – you

So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
(Alone to face the rest of me)
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now

What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I torturing myself?

Fixated on these memories
Like a prisoner inside a cell

Lead in my gut, not in my spine
I feel distracted all the time
Well lucky me I’m finally all alone
I’ll – miss – you

So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
(Alone to face the rest of me)
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now

With nothing useful to say and no one to listen to it
Filling the deep with the pain, I slowly sink into it
Consider questionable things to try to get me through it
I’ve tried to push it away but I always give into it
Long for the taste of all the rain that finally helps subdue it
And washes this all away

Under this crushing wait
I’m sinking
It never goes away
The thinking
Echoes in empty rooms
Are saying
Time to erase the rest
…of me

So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
(Alone to face the rest of me)
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
(I’ll miss you)

So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now

It doesn’t matter now
It doesn’t matter now

So long sentiment
It doesn’t matter now

Any of the words that speak of introverted thinking, trapped in a cell, trying to escape, feeling like I’m falling apart all work into the realization that the sickness was taking over and I was no longer happy with that.

Three Doors Down took a walk around the world to ease his troubled mind, which is reminiscent to running when I had these revelations.

I want to close with thoughts of my friend Tim Fluharty, who didn’t even know he was commenting on this subject:
“The anger disappears with the rest of the darkness. If your “house” is dark, and you recognize that the darkness is painful and you need some light…you can not collect the darkness and carry it to the trash bin…you must simply turn the light on-then the darkness is no more. And in the frightening transitional space between wallowing in the darkness and figuring out how to turn on the lights, you may realize that YOU are KEEPING the lights off because you are addicted to the darkness and the battle is not between dark and light, but between your own desires. Going on from there…if you want to win this fight on a long-term basis, you MUST throw away any selfish desire. Selfishness is the foundation of ALL sin and pain. And the desire to gratify yourself will lead to the most devastating wickedness you never knew you could commit. Eliminate the word “mine” from your vocabulary. Possessions are meaningless and materials can not satisfy. The only way to quiet the raging squall that is the fear of insignificance is to love someone else without regard for your own “needs.” It sounds like a paradox, and maybe it is. But truly serve someone else who can not pay you anything in return and you will then experience satisfaction.”

Expert words to assist me in winning the battle against the sickness.

TG Facebook Comments

1 Comment

  1. Praying for you and your family Eli…

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