My guilt and my shame Always sell me short, always feel the same

These are the opening words to Slipknot’s song Sulfur. I found this song meaningful the other day as I was running. The day before, Ronda called me out on being angry and not content. When I run I usually tie that time to think and meditate on my life and today was no exception. I realized that my guilt and my shame always sell me short and hurt my relationships, especially those with God & Ronda. As I have been reading the Shack, I read yesterday as ‘Mack’ was talking with papa and it came up that marriage is no institution but a relationship. I’m glad for Ronda because she keeps me straight.

Another line from the song, from the chorus, is: Stay, you don’t always know where you stand; Till you know that you won’t run away. This is relevant because in the conversation with Ronda she said that she thought is was a testament that I’m so good and that I am still standing. These last few years have attacked and mutilated me in ways that are hard to explain. It is comforting to have someone outside my own head tell me that I’m still standing.

I’ve often thought that I’d like to get a tattoo of the Chinese characters (or maybe a Koi, which also stands for strength, perseverance and being able to stand up under the pressure) for bent, but not broken… It reminds of Paul in Philippians when he says that we are pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned Struck down but not destroyed.

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